Anchor My Heart Read online

  ANCHOR MY HEART

  Nyari Nain

  Contents

  ANCHOR MY HEART

  LIFE ON BOARD

  JOINING

  FIRST SIGHT

  RAINY MUMBAI

  DELHI AGAIN

  A SURPRISE

  JAPAN

  KOTA – 9 YEARS AGO

  THE WEDDING

  HAZIRA

  HAZIRA-II

  RETROSPECTION

  JUST BEFORE JOINING

  AN ALTERED COURSE

  MARCO

  BRAZIL TO IRELAND

  CANARY ISLANDS

  AFTER LAS PALMAS

  IRELAND

  LAST VOYAGE

  ATATURK HILAMANI

  REJOINING

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  About the Book

  About the Author

  Copyright

  ANCHOR MY HEART

  Great. Three days since I joined the MV Federal Orchid and the chief engineer already hates my guts.

  ‘Are you fucking insane? We’re into minus four degrees. The boiler pressure can’t dip below the 3.8 bar under any circumstances. Hear me?’ he bellowed. He was boiling more than the boiler I was standing beside, which produced three thousand kilograms of steam per hour.

  ‘Right, sir,’ was all I could say to this sycophant, my dear boss.

  Ah, Orchid. She’d been on anchorage three months now, thanks to bad market conditions in the shipping scene. A good excuse to slash salaries, I guess, but thankfully I was still earning much more than many of my shore friends. Including my boyfriend – Sameer.

  I missed him. And I missed Mom. Of the ship’s complement of twenty-three, I was the only woman. Much like Orchid, out here on the fierce Bo-Hai Sea, I had my own burden to lug around in a world of testosterone, machinery, sweat and thinly veiled misogyny. I couldn’t let it bother me, I was good at my job and they wouldn’t see it ever.

  ‘Ma’am, at 1300 hours we have an “abandon ship” drill and the second engineer has asked to get your duties familiarized from the muster list,’ the junior engineer informed me after a whacking session with the chief engineer. Something inside me was rotting – happens when you keep storing a thing that has already expired. The filth is what starts eating you up. I wanted peace but this was one of the noisiest workstations ever. It was 1300 hours and all the crew had mustered for the drill in their life jackets. The biting chill and frail sun did me no favours, either.

  I familiarized myself with the emergency duties and the life-saving appliances. Safety familiarization – which includes learning about everything that could save your life in case of an emergency, such as the lifeboat, rescue boat, buoys, rafts, etc. and had to be completed within twenty-four hours of joining – had been concluded with the chief officer earlier, after we joined. Second engineer, whom I knew from my last vessel, joined me. For the first time I did not like anything about joining a ship and that too Orchid.

  After a long day’s toil, I received Sameer’s message.

  ‘Hi, baby! How are you? How is it going with your boss?’

  ‘Hey, dear. Came to my cabin after quite the ass whooping. Guess I’m okay now. I really miss you so much.’ Our rooms were quite like the studio rooms of a luxury hotel: carpeted and furnished with a couch, a wardrobe with space for a life jacket and thermal protective aid, and a mini fridge. All the pieces of furniture were bolted to the floor, ensuring you didn’t fly out while sleeping. Rolling at times can go up to, but is not limited to, fifteen degrees. Many a times, after I woke up I would find my slippers inside the wardrobe or my shampoo spilled in the washbasin. It looked like a room where a cat had snuck in and got locked in. The best part about the room was the porthole with a sea view that even the most luxurious suites couldn’t offer no matter how much you paid.

  ‘I miss you, too. Talk to your mom. You’ll feel better,’ he said.

  ‘Can we have a video call please?’

  ‘I’m sorry, sweetie; it’s really busy this side, you know how it is in the OPD.’

  ‘Yeah, Sameer …’ His reply was routine but the pain it gave me was searing hot every time. It didn’t really matter to him that I was far away, stuck here for six long months and sure to have no means of contact with those on land if ol’ Orchid drifted for her voyage.

  Things went quiet again as I kept checking his last seen, waiting for a single, even moderately affectionate word. I should have known better. Sameer and I had agreed, a long time ago, that our relationship had no future.

  I lay on my narrow bed – still dressed in the boiler suit – in the ghostly light of the screen I was now staring blankly into. Even a small ray of light is enough to reveal all the dirt inside. But to convince ourselves, we illuminate the room with more light and everything gets disguised. Well I was trying to ignore every detail which showed me the reality of our relationship. Being the initial days, my boiler suit was still clean and white with my company’s logo gleaming proudly. Things always started out bright and shiny.

  I went in front of the mirror to disrobe, all my curves and edges unveiled. I turned to get a glimpse of all the neglected parts of me in the tiny mirror and tried not to smirk at the lingerie my friends had promised would help me feel feminine, sexy, beautiful. I am not vain, but I’m not blind either. I could see a degree of beauty in my face, my sharp collarbones, taut stomach, firm bust.

  I sank to the floor and lay my body on it – hair spreading wide and thighs tightening against a sense of moistness, warmth. The ocean raged and I thought of waves throwing themselves against the hull – it made me feel alive, like my life was flaring in defiance at the very idea of death.

  That violence was beautiful in its ravaging hunger, and my body, now glistening with a hunger of its own, could make sense of it. But all it got, all I got, was a staid emptiness: shallow, still waters gone cold.

  The next day I woke up at five o’ clock in the morning to start fresh for the day and learnt that watch-keeping was to be divided amongst the three of us: me, Second Engineer Vishal and Third Engineer Aniket. My watch would come every third day. And it started with my duty. After the round, I stood outside the ECR or the Engine Control Room watching that masterwork electronic engine by MAN B&W propel this huge floating structure – 270 metres long, 32 metres wide – of eighty thousand tons of dead weight with seven cargo holds. The state-of-the-art machinery space was handled and maintained by only a handful of indefatigable engineers and I was one of them.

  At 0630 hours the phone would ring in the ECR during the morning watch, 0600-0700 hours, without fail. Breakfast timings were between 0730 and 0830 hours. Engineers finished their breakfast by 0745 to start with the day’s work. Maintenance used to start at 0800 hours after the breakfast with all the engineers present in the engine room until 1800 hours, followed by a night round between 2100 and 2200 hours. Morning and night rounds were conducted by the watch-keeping engineer on duty for the day, who would also attend to any alarms coming from the engine room.

  I was new and had no idea about the phone call. It was from the chief engineer to make it seem as though he was present in the engine room without actually being there.

  ‘Good morning, Fourth Engineer here,’ I said, answering the phone. After the round was over the chief engineer had to be briefed about the various parameters of all the running machines. Even if you didn’t want to listen to some crass cacophony in the morning, you had to.

  ‘Yes, tell me,’ he said in an old, croaking voice.

  ‘Sir, I took the round starting from the boiler platform after checking the condition of smoke …’ I started reciting the goings-on like a child who has not been given enough time to learn her lesson. I was reminded of the time of my oral exams in front of the Mercantile Marine Department survey
ors. You don’t always clear the exams. Nobody passes in the first attempt.

  ‘How much is the maximum exhaust temperature of generator 1?’ he asked.

  ‘Sir, it’s 350 degrees Celsius.’

  As a part of watch keeping we had to take proper rounds of the machinery space and log down the important parameters.

  Shouting at the top of his voice he replied, ‘You better have your brain here in the engine room. It’s not 350, it’s 360. Understand the difference, you sleepy crab!’

  10 degrees. I wish I could help him with his poor algebra.

  ‘Go and have a look once again.’

  I really didn’t know why I was here smelling all this shit when the real things in my life were being shattered into pieces. Some nerd had been shouting at me since the start of the day – what could I expect for the next ten or twelve hours of work? Leadership doesn’t mean suppressing the weak; it tests how well they can rise after you leave. I thought about asking for an emergency sign off. I hated the freezing cold and was only thinking about quitting this job forever to reside with Sameer. We both were very different in many ways including our work and I always thought an outsider would never understand my profile, its virtues and disadvantages. But I did fall in love and when a sailor does, it’s enormous. People say we stay away from our home for months, but what they don’t know is that we keep getting closer to it in spite of the distance. Each day lived on board is one day nearer to home.

  I started drowning myself in the usual chores of life on board and loathed the inertia of my life, including the people in it, especially the chief engineer, for making it precariously unpleasant to continue. Wherever I went he would land up to remind me of the nature of this purgatory. The work area is also divided amongst the engineers with each one having to look after the different machinery, their maintenance and upkeep, as per the company’s policy. However, we always worked together irrespective of the designated responsibility.

  On board the ship, we are provided with different washing machines for boiler suits and civilian clothes, and a drier as well. One day I went to wash my clothes and found that the machine was already occupied. An hour later, the cycle was finished but the clothes were still there. As I shifted them to the drier, I realized they were actually someone’s intimate garments. I put my clothes inside the washing machine and went up. When I came back to get my clothes later, I discovered the douche bag was standing there. He was bald and extremely beastly in every possible way.

  ‘You—you moved my … undergarments?’ he asked.

  ‘The cycle was over and I had to wash my clothes,’ I said.

  ‘Next time just give me a call. It’s embarrassing enough that you touched them.’

  A call? How would I know they were his? And embarrassing for him? Hell, I wanted to sanitize my hands with bleach! He had had ten Jockeys in there, and all in bright hues of red, green, blue and whatnot. And for an hour’s cycle! Well, I guess the self-play gel doesn’t come off easy. Thank God no one saw me grimace.

  The vessel’s voyage plan wasn’t yet decided and days were going by slowly, with the extremely harsh weather to add to it. Our water supply lasted a couple of hours during the day; in any emergency we’d have to use sea water in the loo.

  Steam generation was difficult to manage because of the accommodation heating along with engine warming, and for fresh water generation leading to a heavy load on the boiler. At least phone cards were available with enough network coverage for some WhatsApp messaging and voice calls for an hour per card. It’s okay even if everything around you is upside down; the loneliness that hovers over us all is the real battle.

  At night, an array of lights speckled the Tianjin port, forming a delicate necklace, reminding us of the long voyage ahead. When we visit someone’s house, we are treated like guests. When we stay for a couple of days, we almost become family, that is, until we overstay our welcome and are resented.

  When a ship stays anchored at one place for too long, fouling takes place all over the underwater hull. Everyone at shore awaits the ship sailing at sea, and the one that has been standing just after unloading is not even noticed. It must leave and make room for the loaded one to berth.

  I used to talk to Sameer after work every day. At least that maintained some kind of connection. Many a times I would feel Sameer’s presence in my room but the moment I wanted to hold him everything disappeared in that streak of light coming through the window. I would rush to trace the illusion and all I would find was water, water and water.

  Tianjin was one of the busiest ports, and was near the Great Wall of China. During my last trip we had gone to explore the Great Wall in a group of ten people. It was amazing to see the long structure stretched on top of the mountain. The weather had been cool and our guide, Jacqueline, had been great company.

  LIFE ON BOARD

  Women are as welcome on board as they are in many parts of our country – a consolation prize. Didn’t have a boy? Too bad, but at least it’s a healthy child, no?

  A woman on board knows she must work harder to prove her worth.

  My situation did not improve even though all the engine room staff was by my side. Amazing how a single person’s opinion, outweighing all others, was making life so difficult. He hated me enough to provoke me to apply for an early sign-off. I had always thought there was only one angle to be worried about while working in the male-dominated world of shipping. But now I knew there were many. Everyone was busy keeping to their work schedules. I would finish my work and go back to my lonely cabin because I knew sharing what was happening in my life with others was no use. In the evening, Third Engineer would invite me to join them but I avoided it most of the time. Captain and Chief Engineer are the senior most ranks of deck and engine followed by mates or officers and engineers respectively. I was addressed as Fourth, or Chaar Saab. From college to ship, the tag of ‘only girl’ had not been as simple as it read.

  Some of my friends used to see me as an example: if Lehar could stand out so well on board, why couldn’t they? That’s not always a compliment. Any physical work a woman could do was seen as standard indication of it being child’s play for a man. Many believed that I could easily be replaced by a guy, but not vice versa. Well, when I heard stories from other female friends about their ships, I realized the multi-faceted nature of the troubles concerning a woman on board. But as we say, the show must go on and so it will, with an increasing number of female seafarers from a country like India, where some people don’t understand what women are capable of. I was determined to be part of a success story.

  After work hours, I would finish my dinner and go out on the deck to watch the sunset with headphones blaring music into my ears. Since it was a gear-less bulk carrier, the deck space was not cluttered with highlighted walkways on either side. The freshly painted camber, soothing sunset, soft breeze and my favourite song were the best companions I had, helping me let go of the fatigue, the loneliness.

  Chief Officer used to keep a lookout to see if I was safe while walking on deck. Every day was different. Some days, the water was still as a graveyard, on others it splashed violently, ready to swallow anything that was not properly secured. No one was allowed to walk the deck during bad weather, especially near the bow. But on pleasant days, I would stand on the forecastle, enjoying the breeze until it was dark. I knew I was away from so many things in life, but what I had at that moment was a boon. People spend their lives saving money to travel and experience such an adventure and I was right in its lap.

  It was a Sunday morning and I was the on-duty engineer. Work hours on Sundays were only till lunchtime. Biryani was served every Sunday with variations: chicken, mutton, prawn. It was definitely something to look forward to.

  ‘Sir, I am planning to check the bunker tank vent heads,’ I told him.

  ‘Okay. You can take Fitter with you,’ Second said in the tool box meeting.

  ‘No sir, it’s okay, you can keep him for other more important jobs in the e
ngine room. There are just some M12 hex bolts, which I can manage easily.’

  ‘Okay but don’t forget to take proper pictures.’

  ‘Sure sir.’

  Photographs played an important role in the work we did. At the end of the month all the work done was presented to the shore office in a certain format, this included all the photographs as evidence that the work was actually done. Every engineer had a certain set of month-end paperwork to complete as per his or her rank.

  I went up and saw the deck crew busy with their work, as allotted by the Chief Officer. As I started unscrewing the bolts one by one, people looked at me like I was a ninja. It was a strange sight for them to see a woman in a dirty boiler suit and hard hat with hammers and spanners. Chief Officer came to help when he saw me hammering some of the bolts that had rusted in the air.

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ve got it,’ I said, smiling at him.

  ‘Sure?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes. I trained for four years and since my last ship was a sister vessel, I know most of what is to be done here.’

  ‘Cool. Then join us in the evening for a table tennis match?’

  ‘Sure.’ I smiled.

  And that’s what it takes to change per-conceived notions. If they see you work and sweat like them, they understand that you are one of them.

  My last vessel, Federal Tulip, was similar in structure and machinery. I had learnt a lot on that ship; it had been my first contract as a fourth engineer. All that proved helpful here on Orchid. The chief engineer on Tulip was a good man and appreciated my knowledge but hesitated to recommend me for a higher rank because I was a girl. We girls disembark from one ship with a lot of life experience and rejoin ships hoping things will change, but sadly in the end it always turns out to be another circle of rumours, misgivings and chauvinism. The only thing that was different on this ship was the fact that I was in love. All my zest for growing as an engineer was overshadowed by this feeling of wanting to leave and run away to be with Sameer. I really didn’t know why Sameer and I were facing such cold, disconnected days. He loved me and I, him. I had heard from people about how difficult it was to maintain relationships while on board, and now I could clearly understand why. Two similar ships but not the same girl; not even similar.